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The Vicious & Delicious Princess

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nice way to start the day... [02 Oct 2010|12:50pm]


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♥ me to death

Your Egyptian Bible [04 May 2009|11:40pm]

The more you begin to investigate what we think we understand, where we came from, what we think we're doing, the more you begin to see we've been lied to. We've been lied to by every institution.

What makes you think that the religious institution is the only one that's never been touched? The religious institutions of this world are at the bottom of the dirt. The religious institutions in this world are put there by the same people who gave you your government, your corrupt education, who set up your international banking cartels. Because our masters don't give a damn about you or your family. All they care about is what they have always cared about and that's controlling the whole damn world.

We have been misled away from the true and divine presence in the universe that men have called God. I don't know what God is but I know what He isn't, and unless and until you are prepared to look at the whole truth, and wherever it may go, whoever it may lead to, if you want to look the other way or if you want to play favorite, then somewhere along the line you're going to find out you're messing with divine justice. The more you educate yourself the more you understand where things come from the more obvious things become and you begin to see lies everywhere.

"You have to know the truth and seek the truth and the truth will set you free."

[They must find it difficult…Those who have taken authority as the truth,Rather than truth as the authority.-G. Massey, Egyptologist]

Look at the sun. As far back as 10 thousand B.C.E., history is abundant with carvings and writings reflecting peoples respect and adoration for this object. And it is simple to understand why as every morning the sun would rise, bringing vision, warmth, and security, saving man from the cold, blind, predator-filled darkness of night. Without it, the cultures understood, the crops would not grow, and life on the planet would not survive. These realities made the sun the most adorned object of all time. Likewise, they were also very aware of the stars. The tracking of the stars allowed them to recognize and anticipate events which occurred over long periods of time, such as eclipses and full moons. They in turn catalogued celestial groups into what we know today as constellations.


This is cross of the Zodiac, one of the oldest conceptual images in human history:


It reflects the sun as it figuratively passes through the 12 major constellations over the course of a year. It also reflects the 12 months of the year, the 4 seasons, and the solstices and equinoxes. The term Zodiac relates to the fact that constellations were anthropomorphized, or personified, as figures, or animals.

In other words, the early civilizations did not just follow the sun and stars, they personified them with elaborate myths involving their movements and relationships. The sun, with its life-giving and -saving qualities was personified as a representative of the unseen creator or god. It was known as "God's Sun," the light of the world, the savior of human kind. Likewise, the 12 constellations represented places of travel for God's Sun and were identified by names, usually representing elements of nature that happened during that period of time. For example, Aquarius, the water bearer, who brings the Spring rains.

This is Horus.





Turn in your bibles to Hosea 13:4.  The literal translation from the text is: "And I [am] Jehovah thy God from the land of Egypt, And a God besides Me thou dost not know, And a Saviour -- there is none save Me"

Which takes us back to Horus. He is the Sun God of Egypt of around 3000 BC. He is the sun, anthropomorphized, and his life is a series of allegorical myths involving the sun's movement in the sky. From the ancient hieroglyphics in Egypt, we know much about this solar messiah. For instance, Horus, being the sun, or the light, had an enemy known as Set and Set was the personification of the darkness or night. And metaphorically speaking, every morning Horus would win the battle against Set- while in the evening, Set would conquer Horus and send him into the underworld. Set became known as "Seth", which later got turned into Satan.

It is important to note that "dark vs. light" or "good vs. evil" is one of the most ubiquitous mythological dualities ever known and is still expressed on many levels to this day.

Broadly speaking, the story of Horus is as follows: Horus was born on December 25th of the virgin Isis-Meri. His birth was accompanied by a star in the east, which in turn, three kings followed to locate and adorn the new-born savior. At the age of 12, he was a prodigal child teacher, and at the age of 30 he was baptized by a figure known as Anup and thus began his ministry. Horus had 12 disciples he traveled about with, performing miracles such as healing the sick and walking on water. Horus was known by many gestural names such as The Truth, The Light, God's Annointed Son, The Good Shepherd, The Lamb of God, and many others. After being betrayed by Typhon, Horus was crucified, buried for 3 days, and thus, resurrected.

These attributes of Horus, whether original or not, seem to permeate in many cultures of the world, for many other gods are found to have the same general mythological structure.

Attis, of Phyrigia, born of the virgin Nana on December 25th, crucified, placed in a tomb and after 3 days, was resurrected.

Krishna, of India, born of the virgin Devaki with a star in the east signaling his coming, performed miracles with his disciples, and upon his death was resurrected.

Dionysus of Greece, born of a virgin on December 25th, was a traveling teacher who performed miracles such as turning water into wine, he was referred to as the "King of Kings," "God's Only Begotten Son," "The Alpha and Omega," and many others, and upon his death, he was resurrected.

Mithra, of Persia, born of a virgin on December 25th, he had 12 disciples and performed miracles, and upon his death was buried for 3 days and thus resurrected, he was also referred to as "The Truth," "The Light," and many others. Interestingly, the sacred day of worship of Mithra was Sunday.

The fact of the matter is there are numerous saviors, from different periods, from all over the world, which subscribe to these general characteristics. The question remains: why these attributes, why the virgin birth on December 25th, why dead for three days and the inevitable resurrection, why 12 disciples or followers? To find out, let's examine the most recent of the solar messiahs.....

The person you know as Jesus Christ was born of the virgin Mary on December 25th in Bethlehem, his birth was announced by a star in the east, which three kings or magi followed to locate and adorn the new savior. He was a child teacher at 12, at the age of 30 he was baptized by John the Baptist, and thus began his ministry. Jesus had 12 disciples which he traveled about with performing miracles such as healing the sick, walking on water, raising the dead, he was also known as the "King of Kings," the "Son of God," the "Light of the World," the "Alpha and Omega," the "Lamb of God," and many others. After being betrayed by his disciple Judas and sold for 30 pieces of silver, he was crucified, placed in a tomb and after 3 days was resurrected and ascended into Heaven.

 

First of all, the birth sequence is completely astrological. The star in the east is Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky, which, on December 24, aligns with the 3 brightest stars in Orion's Belt. These 3 bright stars are called today what they were called in ancient times: The Three Kings. The Three Kings and the brightest star, Sirius, all point to the place of the sunrise on December 25th. This is why the Three Kings "follow" the star in the east, in order to locate the sunrise — the birth of the sun.

The Virgin Mary is the constellation Virgo, also known as Virgo the Virgin. Virgo in Latin means virgin. The ancient glyph for Virgo is the altered "m". This is why Mary along with other virgin mothers, such as Adonis's mother Myrra, or Buddha's mother Maya begin with an M. Virgo is also referred to as the House of Bread, and the representation of Virgo is a virgin holding a sheaf of wheat. This House of Bread and its symbol of wheat represents August and September, the time of harvest. In turn, Bethlehem, in fact, literally translates to "house of bread". Bethlehem is thus a reference to the constellation Virgo, a place in the sky, not on Earth.

There is another very interesting phenomenon that occurs around December 25th, or the winter solstice. From the summer solstice to the winter solstice, the days become shorter and colder. From the perspective of the northern hemisphere, the sun appears to move south and get smaller and more scarce. The shortening of the days and the expiration of the crops when approaching the winter solstice symbolized the process of death to the ancients. It was the death of the Sun. By December 22nd, the Sun's demise was fully realized, for the Sun, having moved south continually for 6 months, makes it to it's lowest point in the sky. Here a curious thing occurs: the Sun stops moving south, at least perceivably, for 3 days. During this 3 day pause, the Sun resides in the vicinity of the Southern Cross, or Crux, constellation. And after this time on December 25th, the Sun moves 1 degree, this time north, foreshadowing longer days, warmth, and Spring. And thus it was said: the Sun died on the cross, was dead for 3 days, only to be resurrected or born again. This is why Jesus and numerous other Sun Gods share the crucifixion, 3-day death, and resurrection concept. It is the Sun's transition period before it shifts its direction back into the Northern Hemisphere, bringing Spring, and thus salvation.

However, they did not celebrate the resurrection of the Sun until the spring equinox, or Easter. This is because at the spring equinox, the Sun officially overpowers the evil darkness, as daytime thereafter becomes longer in duration than night, and the revitalizing conditions of spring emerge.

Now, probably the most obvious of all the astrological symbolism around Jesus regards the 12 disciples. They are simply the 12 constellations of the Zodiac, which Jesus, being the Sun, travels about with.

In fact, the number 12 is replete throughout the Bible. This text has more to do with astrology than anything else. In fact, Jesus had many more than only 12 disciples.

Coming back to the cross of the Zodiac, the figurative life of the Sun, this was not just an artistic expression or tool to track the Sun's movements. It was also a Pagan spiritual symbol, the shorthand of which looked like this. This is not a symbol of Christianity. It is a Pagan adaptation of the cross of the Zodiac. This is why Jesus in early occult art is always shown with his head on the cross, for Jesus is the Sun, the Sun of God, the Light of the World, the Risen Savior, who will "come again," as it does every morning, the Glory of God who defends against the works of darkness, as he is "born again" every morning, and can be seen "coming in the clouds," "up in Heaven," with his "Crown of Thorns," or, sun rays.

Now, of the many astrological-astronomical metaphors in the Bible, one of the most important has to do with the ages. Throughout the scripture there are numerous references to the "Age." In order to understand this, we need to be familiar with the phenomenon known as the precession of the equinoxes. The ancient Egyptians along with cultures long before them recognized that approximately every 2150 years the sunrise on the morning of the spring equinox would occur at a different sign of the Zodiac. This has to do with a slow angular wobble that the Earth maintains as it rotates on it's axis. It is called a precession because the constellations go backwards, rather than through the normal yearly cycle. The amount of time that it takes for the precession to go through all 12 signs is roughly 25,765 years. This is also called the "Great Year," and ancient societies were very aware of this. They referred to each 2150 year period as an "age." From 4300 b.c. to 2150 b.c., it was the Age of Taurus, the Bull. From 2150 b.c. to 1 a.d., it was the Age of Aries, the Ram, and from 1 a.d. to 2150 a.d. it is the Age of Pisces, the age we are still in to this day, and in and around 2150, we will enter the new age: the Age of Aquarius.

Now, the Bible reflects, broadly speaking, a symbolic movement through 3 ages, while foreshadowing a 4th. In the Old Testament when Moses comes down Mount Sinai with the 10 Commandments, he is very upset to see his people worshiping a golden bull calf. In fact, he shattered the stone tablets and instructed his people to kill each other in order to purify themselves. Most Biblical scholars would attribute this anger to the fact that the Israelites were worshiping a false idol, or something to that effect. The reality is that the golden bull is Taurus the Bull, and Moses represents the new Age of Aries the Ram. This is why Jews even today still blow the Ram's horn. Moses represents the new Age of Aries, and upon the new age, everyone must shed the old age. Other deities mark these transitions as well, a pre-Christian god who kills the bull, in the same symbology.

Now Jesus is the figure who ushers in the age following Aries, the Age of Pisces the Two Fish. Fish symbolism is very abundant in the New Testament, as Jesus is known as the Great Fisherman, he feeds 5000 people with bread and "2 fish." When he begins his ministry walking along Galilei, he befriends 2 fisherman, who follow him. The Pope's Miter or hat is incontrovertibly a fish-head, representing Pisces. And I think we've all seen the Jesus-fish on the backs of people's cars. Little do they know what it actually means. It is a Pagan astrological symbolism for the Sun's Kingdom during the Age of Pisces. Also, Jesus' assumed birth date is essentially the start of this age.

At Luke 22:10 when Jesus is asked by his disciples where the next passover will be after he is gone, Jesus replied: "Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet you bearing a pitcher of water… follow him into the house where he entereth in." This scripture is by far one of the most revealing of all the astrological references. The man bearing a pitcher of water is Aquarius, the water-bearer, who is always pictured as a man pouring out a pitcher of water. He represents the age after Pisces, and when the Sun (God's Sun) leaves the Age of Pisces (Jesus), it will go into the House of Aquarius, as Aquarius follows Pisces in the precession of the equinoxes. Also Jesus is saying is that after the Age of Pisces will come the Age of Aquarius.

Now, we have all heard about the end times and the end of the world. Apart from the cartoonish depictions in the Book of Revelation, the main source of this idea comes from Matthew 28:20, where Jesus says "I will be with you even to the end of the world." However, in King James Version, "world" is a mistranslation, among many mistranslations. The actual word being used is "aeon", which means "age." "I will be with you even to the end of the age." Which is true, as Jesus' Solar Piscean personification will end when the Sun enters the Age of Aquarius. The entire concept of end times and the end of the world is a misinterpreted astrological allegory. Let's tell that to the approximately 100 million people in America who believe the end of the world is coming.....(rolls eyes)

Furthermore, the character of Jesus, a literary and astrological hybrid, is most explicitly a plagiarization of the Egyptian Sun-god Horus. For example, inscribed about 3500 years, on the walls of the Temple of Luxor in Egypt are images of the enunciation, the immaculate conception, the birth, and the adoration of Horus. The images begin with Thaw announcing to the virgin Isis that she will conceive Horus, then Nef the holy ghost impregnating the virgin, and then the virgin birth and the adoration. This is exactly the story of Jesus' miracle conception. In fact, the literary similarities between Horus and Jesus are staggering.

And the plagiarism is continuous. The story of Noah and Noah's Ark is taken directly from tradition. The concept of a Great Flood is ubiquitous throughout the ancient world, with over 200 different cited claims in different periods and times. However, one need look no further for a pre-Christian source than the Epic of Gilgamesh, written in 2600 b.c. This story talks of a Great Flood commanded by God, an Ark with saved animals upon it, and even the release and return of a dove, all held in common with the biblical story, among many other similarities.

And then there is the plagiarized story of Moses. Upon Moses' birth, it is said that he was placed in a reed basket and set adrift in a river in order to avoid infanticide. He was later rescued by a daughter of royalty and raised by her as a Prince. This baby in a basket story was lifted directly from the myth of Sargon of Akkad of around 2250 b.c. Sargon was born, placed in a reed basket in order to avoid infanticide, and set adrift in a river. He was in turn rescued and raised by Akki, a royal mid-wife.

Furthermore, Moses is known as the Law Giver, the giver of the Ten Commandments, the Mosaic Law. However, the idea of a Law being passed from God to a prophet on a mountain is also a very old motif. Moses is just a law giver in a long line of law givers in mythological history. In India, Manou was the great law giver. In Crete, Minos ascended Mount Dicta, where Zeus gave him the sacred laws. While in Egypt there was Mises, who carried stone tablets and upon them the laws of god were written.

And as far as the Ten Commandments, they are taken outright from Spell 125 of the Egyptian Book of the Dead. What the Book of the Dead phrased "I have not stolen" became "Thou shall not steal," "I have not killed" became "Thou shall not kill," "I have not told lies" became "Thou shall not bare false witness" and so forth. In fact, the Egyptian religion is likely the primary foundational basis for the Judeo-Christian theology. Baptism, afterlife, final judgment, virgin birth and resurrection, crucifixion, the ark of the covenant, circumcision, saviors, holy communion, the great flood, Easter, Christmas, Passover, and many many more, are all attributes of Egyptian ideas, long created in Christianity and Judaism.

Justin Martyr, one of the first Christian historians and defenders, wrote: "When we say that he, Jesus Christ, our teacher, was produced without sexual union, was crucified and died, and rose again, and ascended into Heaven, we propound nothing different from what you believe regarding those who you esteem Sons of Jupiter." In a different writing, Justin Martyr said "He was born of a virgin, accept this in common with what you believe of Perseus." It's obvious that Justin and other early Christians knew how similar Christianity was to the Pagan religions. However, Justin had a solution. As far as he was concerned, the Devil did it. The Devil had the foresight to come before Christ, and create these characteristics in the Pagan world.

The Bible is nothing more than an committee -elected astro-theological literary fold hybrid, just like nearly all religious myths before it. In fact, the aspect of transference, of one character's attributes to a new character, can be found within the book itself. In the Old Testament there's the story of Joseph. Joseph was a prototype for Jesus. Joseph was born of a miracle birth, Jesus was born of a miracle birth. Joseph was of 12 brothers, Jesus had 12 disciples. Joseph was sold for 20 pieces of silver, Jesus was sold for 30 pieces of silver. Brother "Judah" suggests the sale of Joseph, disciple "Judas" suggests the sale of Jesus. Joseph began his work at the age of 30, Jesus began his work at the age of 30. The parallels go on and on.

Furthermore, is there any non-Biblical historical evidence of any person, living with the name Jesus, the Son of Mary, who traveled about with 12 followers, healing people and the like? There are numerous historians who lived in and around the Mediterranean either during or soon after the assumed life of Jesus. How many of these historians document this figure? Not one. However, to be fair, that doesn’t mean defenders of the Historical Jesus haven’t claimed the contrary. Four historians are typically referenced to justify Jesus’s existence. Pliny the younger, Suetonius, Tacitus and the first three. Each one of their entries consists of only a few sentences at best and only refer to the Christus or the Christ, which in fact is not name but a title. It means the “Anointed one” The fourth source is Josephus and this source has been proven to be a forgery for hundreds of years. Sadly, it is still sited as truth.
You would think that a guy who rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven for all eyes to see and performed the wealth of miracles acclaimed to him would have made it into the historical record. It didn't because once the evidence is weighed, there are very high odds that the figure known as Jesus, did not even exist.  It all goes back to that one word that always happens with Jesus...there was a "vision" of Jesus.  Read your bible.  Mary, Mariam and Salome did not see Jesus at the empty tomb, they had a vision of Jesus.  If someone said they had a vision of Jesus today you'd put them in a mental hospital.

["The Christian religion is a parody on the worship of the sun, in which they put a man called Christ in the place of the sun, and pay him the adoration originally paid to the sun."]
I don't want to be unkind, but I want to be factual. Idon't want to cause hurt feelings, but we want to be academically, archeologically, and religiously correct, in what we understand and know to be true. Christianity - as we know it now - just is not based on the truth. It's been reduced to nothing more than a Roman story, developed politically.

The reality is, Jesus was the Solar Deity of the Gnostic Christian sect, and like all other Pagan gods, he was a mythical figure. It was the political establishment that sought to historize the Jesus figure for social control. By 325 a.d. in Rome, emperor Constantine convened the Council of Nicea. It was during this meeting that the politically motivated Christian Doctrines were established and thus began a long history of Christian bloodshed and spiritual fraud. And for the next 1600 years, the Vatican maintained a political stranglehold on all of Europe, leading to such joyous periods as the Dark Ages, along with enlightening events such as the Crusades, and the Inquisition.

Christianity, along with all other theistic belief systems, is the fraud of the age. It served to detach the species from the natural world, and likewise, each other. It supports blind submission to authority.

"Religion can never reform mankind because religion is slavery."

It reduces human responsibility to the effect that "God" controls everything, and in turn awful crimes can be justified in the name of Divine Pursuit. And most importantly, it empowers those who know the truth but use the myth to manipulate and control societies. The religious myth is the most powerful device ever created, and serves as the psychological soil upon which other myths can flourish.
A myth is an idea that, while widely believed, is false. In a deeper sense, in the religious sense, a myth serves as an orienting and mobilizing story for people. The focus is not on the story's relation to reality, but on it's function. A story cannot function unless it is believed to be true in the community or the nation. It is not a matter of debate that some people have the bad taste to raise the question of the truth of the sacred story. The keepers of the faith won't enter into debate with those of us that know history and facts.

♥ me to death

[13 Jun 2006|01:05am]
i never post in LJ anymore cos I usually always post in Myspace but i just wanted to say hey to the LJ peeps (even though most of you are friends on myspace now). = )
1 fresh scar| ♥ me to death

as tammy calls it, happy "Valoween". ( i like that!) [14 Feb 2006|09:09am]
 






but REALLY...

6 fresh scars| ♥ me to death

It's making sense... [27 Jan 2006|09:11pm]
Standard english vs. Prime English...AKA....the world vs. those of us that think in terms of physics HAHA


Standard English English Prime
1. The photon is a wave. 1. The photon behaves as a wave when constrained by certain instruments.
2. The photon is a particle. 2. The photon appears as a particle when constrained by other instruments.
3. John is unhappy and grouchy. 3. John appears unhappy and grouchy in the office.
4. John is bright and cheerful. 4. John appears bright and cheerful on holiday at the beach.
5. The car involved in the hit-and-run accident was a blue Ford. 5. In memory, I think I recall the car involved in the hit-and-run accident as a blue Ford.
6. That is a fascist idea. 6. That seems like a fascist idea to me.
7. Beethoven is better than Mozart. 7. In my present mixed state of musical education and ignorance Beethoven seems better than Mozart to me.
8. Lady Chatterly's lover is a pornographic novel. 8. Lady Chatterly's lover seems like a pornographic novel to me.
9. Grass is green. 9. Grass registers as green to most human eyes.
10. The first man stabbed the second man with a knife. 10. I think I saw the first man stab the second man with a knife.
♥ me to death

Bi/Lez survey! haha [27 Jan 2006|09:04pm]
LESBIAN survey

1. Are you girly? sometimes

2. Do you like bi girls? uh huh ; )

3. Are you a good kisser? i've been told so but I dunno

4. Whats your favorite thing about girls? ABS!!!

5. Least fav. thing about girls? crakiness

6. Do you play softball? yes and am going to coach my church team this spring

7. Which would you prefer..beach...bball...or movie? beach

8. Do you like to make the first move? no

9. How many times have you been asked "how do 2 girls have sex"? TONS

10. How many times have you been asked "are you the girl or guy in the relationship"? never

11. Do your parents know? i could care less

12. Coke or Dr. Pepper? coke

13. Nike...adidas...kswiss...puma? nikes please

14. Have you ever proposed to your girlfriend? yes

15. Have you ever been cheated on? FUCKOFF

16. Have you ever cheated on one of your gf's? never

17. Whats your favorite color? purple

18. Do you do any drugs or drink? nope

19. Do you have any piercings? been there, done that...ears, belly, tongue (doubled!) and nose

20. Any tattoos? four

If you're a girl who likes girls, answer these questions & repost
♥ me to death

[25 Jan 2006|08:17am]
so last night i couldnt really do anything after i talked to her except sit, stare and try to catch my breathe.

i woke up this morning becuase i couldnt breathe.  still now i sometimes have to force myself to breathe. not that it matters.
and so today the tears come.  how pathetic am i?  nonestop waterworks. 

i'm not going to my game tonight. that's just what i'd need...another loss to make me feel better.

i thought i might be able to think today.  i guess tat goes to show that my thinking is fucked.

"it matters when the fall is all you have".
♥ me to death

[25 Jan 2006|08:06am]
and just to make it worse, i'll bet the sun is going to fucking shine today.
♥ me to death

[25 Jan 2006|07:59am]
what's the old saying, dont give up the ones you love for the ones you like?

i can't do this. i feel like someone died.

pain tells u that there is something wrong. guilt tells u that u did something wrong. big difference
♥ me to death

happy one year anniversary of our friendship..... [25 Jan 2006|02:58am]
so, it seems to be ok for me to write about Tammy in my LJ becuase no one that knows her in real life reads my LJ. but they do read my blog on myspace and she doesnt want the whole world knowing what happens between she and I. to be put it more accuratly, she doesnt want this guy to know what's happening between me and her. why? becuase she probably wants to keep the peace.

my best friend is breaking up with me. there's a new guy in her life and so she needs time to be with him. what's that mean? rhian gets the skids. Her quote, "I'm not saying that you wont spend any less time with me....we just wont spend more time together than we spend now". Well, I've seen her......four times since October 1st. Good to know we wont be spending LESS time with each other.

I hate myself. I hate myself for believeing that people gave two shits about me. Ann betrayed me yesterday and now today, i'm not worthy enough to spend time with someone who i thought was my best friend. she said, "i dont even see MY best friends all the time". The way she said it was easy to see that i'm not included in that. of course, i never get invited to anything that she does with her other friends and i never get invited to anything...and the one thing i DO get invited to, I pretty much got de-invited to tonight.

of course it all makes sense....it's because she wants to spend time with this guy and see where things go. but it's like i've said...i was here before any guy she dates and i'll be here after any guy she dates....that's what friends do. I guess what they DONT do is make time while you are with that person.

people do what's important to them. i guess that shows how i'm important I am when i dont get to see her more than once a month. she all but said she didnt feel like driving down to see one of my games becuase of the drive and being after work and all that. but it's no big deal to stay out til 3am after u work a full day, huh? like i said...people do what's important to them. if it was important enough for her to come down and see me coach one of my games and to share it with me...she would. if it's not....she wont. if u dont have time for the things that are important to you, you make time. i guess if i was important enough, time would be made to see a game. do u think i'd be there if she coached? hell yeah. every single game without question. thats what you do. maybe most people wouldnt go to EVERY game, but i would. but then again...what the fuck do i know. i'm just a psycho basketcase

i asked the question last night....the one question ur never supposed to ask...."what next". I guess i found out. Now finding that ann betrayed me, my best friend wants to break up with me and not spend as much time with me (which isn't very much....4 days since october).

my vibes TOLD ME that i wouldnt be going to that thing this saturday. i dunno why, but i knew that i'd never see it and never be there. look how i right i was. i'll bet u it's becuase she doesnt want anyone going with her to make her new beau jealous or something or think that there's something going on or something. that's why i'm not supposed to write about this stuff in my MySpace...it's becuase he sent me a friends request to be my friend there last week and i approved it. he's commented on a blog or two so i know he reads them. and I'll bet you the only reason she asked me to write in here instead of in my myspace is becuase she doenst want HIM to find out about it. It's not that she cares if "people" know what happens between she and I...becuase i write what we do and what we talk about all the time in my LJ and in my blog on myspace....it's that she doesnt want him knowing that all this stuff is happening.

as much as i'm ding donging and switching, ill respect that. do i feel like I have to? fuck no. she's the one that always told me not to censor what I write or hide it from the world. now she's telling me to do exactly that....pretty convenient.

she keeps telling me that she doesnt have to do things "like that" with her other best friends and she doesnt talk to them everyday on the phone. well....never once have i ever compared myself to them. i'm not like them. i'm not normal. she knows how i am and she knows what being friends with me is all about. she was even honest and said that at times she felt like she did things for me more out of "duty" in keeping a promise she made to me more than for the fact that she wanted to do them becuase she was my friend. those "other" best friends she mentions....she now has dinner with them at least once a month on a schedule so that she knows what day it's going to be every month for the rest of the year. did she do that with me? no......becuase her schedule is so crazy and/or she never plans out that far. sounds to me like she's planned things out for a year with her other friends.....and i got nothing on the calander. actions, right? so how is it that she can plan things with some people, but not with me? where is our hang out day every month? The third saturday or every month or whatever or something......
and these friends that she says she dosnt talk to everyday like we do.....she sees them alot more often. the past two sundays as a matter of fact for football parties that i wasnt invited to.

and yet i'm not a frankenstein monster?


she forgot all about wwe tickets for me until i asked her about it yesterday. she knows how happy watching shawn michaels makes me.

i guess i dunno. she knows how i am. she knows how i am with change. and this is how our friendship is. and now she wants to pull the rug out and redecorate and actually said that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. maybe to her......but when it comes to her or rainy, nothing is menail. she said this was the thing that sadina couldnt handle in september. maybe its that part of me that can't handle this now.

it's pretty normal though so you think i'd be used to it. my dad wanted me around as long as there wasn't some girl he'd rather be fucking. my mom wanted me around...until she had something better to do or more important to do....like work, or take night classes or move to Arizona to Camelot with yet another husband. my ex wanted me around...until she decided to cheat with someone that was a good friend and steal all of my money. people always want you around until the find something better to do. again...it all goes back to the rule...people do what's important to them.

she said she feels guilty being out til 3am and having five messages from me. granted, that night, if felt like bleeding and called her and my keys were hidden. so...u know..psychotic girl has a meltdown and calls for an explaination. she got angry. if that happened to me...i'd be worried shitless and down there in an instant to find out if she was ok.

i've lost literally....almost everything in the past 11 months. Know the fucked up thing.....today is the anniversary date of the first day that tammy and i ever talked. fitting that it's the day she decideds to break up with her best friend.

i knew it. as soon as she told me she was at his house til 3am.... i knew it. that was when she said that she wouldnt be calling me on the way home from work anymore becuase she needs to watch her phone bill. umm......somehow i'll BET that she's talking to him though on the way home! or i'll bet u that she's talking to him more and so that means less minutes to use and rhian is expendable so we'll stop talking to her as much.

i swear to god my head is sppinning soooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking hard right now that it's going to force my body into sleep.
first ann yesterday, and now this today.

she told me that she nderstood what i meant when i told her that i cant live my life fo rme.....that i have to live it for other people. i guess she understands but she doesnt want to be a part of that. so not only do i have to deal with this....but i can't deal with it with ann becuase of how she betrayed me yesterday.

she'll say that she's not going anywhere and if that were true, then wouldnt things stay the same? yes. but the truth is...she is going somewhere...with him...not with me. she's doesnt have time for me now anyway but with the season over, she said back in november that she'd have more time. and now i guess that's all out the window. any time she has now will be with this guy...not me. just like my mom. just like my dad. just like tera. just like my ex. just like amanda. just like alison. just like my whole fucking life.

so it all comes back on me. i'm the psycho. she's the normal one and i'm the psycho that has no grasp of reality....only right and wrong and the way that things should be. just becuase we dont live in a perfect world doesnt mean that we shouldnt try. unconditional friendship doesnt have boundries.

and the bottom line? it doesnt matter what i say or how i feel becuase she's going to live her life the way she wants to. so it dosnt matter how upset or how unfair or how much of a double standard or how hurtful or whatever it is....it doesnt. fucking. matter. why? becuase there's another person in front of me.

if i'm wrong as you say i am....show me and prove to me that i'm wrong. show me that you're not going anywhere. if ur not goign anywhere then things aren't changing.

i guess i'm just helpless. no more. i trusted u. u knew full well what u were getting into last june. i asked and checked and double check and triple checked.

maybe the rest the rest of the world can see this is as no big deal....can see it as me making a mountain out of a molehill....but when the molehill is all that you have left....it's a pretty big deal.

i wonder now if she's even done. is this going in stages? this is the first stage and there will be more to come as i get assimilated to them? and the only reason she doesnt tell me right upfront is a fear of me going and bleeding to death tonight or tomorrow or whenever?
she's said many times that i scare her. well....when ur whole world is turned upside down more times than in a load of laundry.....maybe then someone can understand.

u told me that u think everything happens for a reason. so tell me....why is my heart shattering right now? am i the sacraficial lamb that was a stepping stone to get you on MySpace and have you talk more with him so that you could end up going out with him? Of course you talk to him on on ur secret AOL account that you talk on when you dont wanna deal with me.....and u talk to him when u do talk to me.....but it's been much more since u found out that u both had a myspace. i guess i played a roll in that. so i did it to myself.

and whatever you do, don't slam these words back in my face. you asked me to journal about this. i doubt i'm anywhere near done.....but i can't think. i cant feel anything either. i'm numb. 100% numb execept for disbelief. and that whole sentence that keeps crawling through my head..."my world is over", "my world is over", "my world is over".

i guess i really did do it to myself. after all, i did ask "what next" last night. i thought that i was too numb to let anything else hurt me....but i was way wrong. but then again, i never imagined that u'd not want me to be ur best friend and a part of your life. awhile u said "i just want my sister back". I'm right here. And ur the one that's walking away leaving me alone while give ur time to someone more important than me.

i dont know how to not be me. i dont know how to not care with all of my heart and soul. and that's what you're asking me to do.

is it so bad to want to share you life with ur best friends?

am i dependant on u? yes. but u knew that from the contract. no wonder u want to change it now.

i remeber that night back in june when u asked me to please stop bleeding. i said yes. i did that for u. i didnt do it for me...i did it for u beucase i didnt want u to have to go through that. i finally felt like God didnt spit on me. I finally felt like there was someone there that was going to be there for me no matter what. "whatever it takes"....those were your words. "whatever it takes". I remember that becuase it' smy favorite belinda carlisle ever written. Whatever it takes.....
i cried on ur shoulder for a half hour it was getting late and you had to go home (but it wasnt 3am...only 11pm). u told me that u'd come down the next weekend and i could do it more. i never got to do it more....... and i probably never will again.

dont be sad that it's over, right? just be happy that it happened?


and with all the hurt i feel right now (though i'm it sounds like anger....i promise u it's not....it's all hurt and pain) eden tells me other things. obvously u've made time for me and make time for me and all that. but the ones we love the most are the ones that hurt us the most.
it all just seems like a lie for some reason. and understand that i'm not even TRYING to make logical sense out of what 'm saying right now. i dont even know if i'm aware of what i'm saying. i'm not thinking...i'm just feeling. and so right or wrong, rational or irrational, this is how i'm feeing right now. hopefully i'll sleep and the 'feelings' will be gone and the "thinking" will kick in tomorrow. well...i lied....hopefully i'll wake up and the past two days will be a dream. i can't feel anything from the shock and the numb anymore. so understand that all of this is exactly waht u asked me to write...just that rage and that...i forgot the word u used. i'm not thinking. i'm was just feeling. but i can't feel anything anymore. my brain turned it off. i just feel loss. and i feel like something died. and that's litearlly all i feel righ tnow. i miss u before you're gone. maybe tomorrow when i wake up i can think and perhaps i'll read this and say "where the fuck did that come from" and "how foolish and stupid are you Rhian Alexa?" but i can't think beyond what i felt tonight. and last night.

i feel like i'm losing my best friend. i fee like she doesnt want to be a part of my life anymore. i feel like she's found something more important to her than a best friend who will always love her and be there for her. i feel like someone is taking her away from me....and no one can say i'm wrong becuase facts are facts.

everyone leaves. people...always...leave.



i made this today as my new background for my myspace account:




why?  becuase i'll never forget thinking of my best friend when i saw that episode.  of being brooke and her being payton...it was TOTALLY that night back in June.....and so i made it today to say thank u for always being there and being my best friend and being the one to take my hand when i'm stuck and let me cry on you.  do u know why moments like that are so special to me?  becuase i never have them.  and becuase i did have one.  and do u know why i hold on to it?  becuase it'll never happen again...and thats not my choice.

i guess u only have two hands...and three's a crowd.  ill see my way out. 

i can't think anymore. and i'm beyond feeling. i dont even know what i'm aying.  stop the clocks from chiming. paint the sky a deeper shade of blue.

you are my best friend and i love u with every thing inside of me.  i'm sorry it's not good enough

i guess i'll go back to what i'm used to and where i'vealways been....alone.  alone on the basement floor with dried blood all over me.  alone in 7th grade in my house while my mom has left for a week.  alone in high school.  alone crying on the basement floor in college. alone crying in the corner of my room in the hospital.  alone here in my room.  i wouldnt be alone if u were here.  now i'll see u once a month and then soon i'm sure it'll be once every other month or maybe whenever you get around to it.  but you're not going anywhere. 

i thought you'd always be by my side.  You promised me that you would be.  You promised that you'd always be here for me and that you'd always be right by my side whenever i needed you.    Dont tell me that you're going to break a promise too. 

i can't keep my eyes open. my body is literally shutting down now from the shock and dissociation i guess. 

i love you.  i hope this is a ll a dream when i wake up.  or  hope that i got a horse.  they say that your demons can't go there. so i'll get me a horse to ride on.

i can't move now so i'm gonna go before i go into a coma or something. this is knockoing me out. jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjadaaaaaaaaaasdf
2 fresh scars| ♥ me to death

[23 Jan 2006|11:04pm]
All I ever wanted was calm in my heart,
And for my life to come together and never fall apart.

No one else in the world could begin to compare,
You were perfect in my eyes and u always cared.

I had so much more than I ever thought we would,
I trusted you with everything, more than I ever thought I could.

I promised to give you all that I had to give,
I wouldve done anything you asked as long as i lived.

In your eyes I saw my present, my future and my past,
With the trust I gave to u, I thought it would never come to pass.

I hope that one day you'll come to realize,
Just how perfect you were when seen through my eyes
♥ me to death

for Rainy [23 Jan 2006|06:07pm]

Monday, January 23, 2006

goo = life (and death)

Oh here you are, there's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push me out? did they throw me away?
Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

I never put you down, I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want, there's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real? 
Please cut me off before I kill me

I never put you down, I never pushed you away
You take another piece of me
Gave my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray


Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down, I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own

You and I got something
But it's all then it's nothing to me
yah
I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions to me
yah
And we wake up in the breakdown
In the things we never thought we could be
yah

I am no solution
To this sound of this pollution in me
yah
And I was not the answer so forget you ever thought it was me
yah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling

I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need a fall out
Of all the past that's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here


And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can fear you falling

i know it's not fair
i know it's out there
i can feel you falling

shots in the dark from empty guns are never heard by anyone.  neither are broken promises.  neither are sharp objects in the woods draining life away from living things. 

they painted up your secrets
with the lies they told to you
and the least they ever gave you
was the most you ever knew


and i wonder where these dreams go
when the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screaming
no one's listening anyway


your voice is small and fading
and you hide in here unknown
and my mother loved my father
since she had nowhere to go

and she wonders where these dreams go 
since the world got in her way
what's the point in ever trying
nothing's changing anyway

they press their lips against you
and you love the lies they say

and I tried so hard to reach you
but i'm falling anyway

and you know I see right through you
when the world gets in your way
what's the point in all this screamin'
you're not listening anyway

when everything feels like the movies
you bleed just to know ur alive....
i dont want the world to see me
cos i KNOW that they wouldnt understand
when everything's made to be broken
i'll be drained of my life by my hands

 

5:30 PM -

i used to think that u could only get raped sexually...

and today i learned differently. ur trust, ur confidence, ur reality....it can all be torn and ripped to pieces.... just like ur ass and the rest of ur flesh..... bleeding and hemmoraging from the damage inflicted from people that "love you". 

5 am friday morning thursday night far from sleep i'm still up and driving can't go home obviously so i just change direction cause they'll soon know where i live and i wanna live got a full tank and some chips it was me and a gun and a man on my back and i sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants you can laugh it's kinda funny the things you think at times like these like i haven't seen barbados so i must get out of this me and a gun and a man on my back but i haven't seen barbados so i must get out of this yes i wore a slinky red thing does that mean i should spread for you your friends your father mr. ed and i know what this means me and jesus a few years back used to hang and he said "it's your choice babe, just remember i don't think you'll be back in three days time so you choose well" tell me what's right is my right to be on my stomach in fred's seville and do you know carolina where the biscuits are soft and sweet these things go through your head when there's a man on your back and you're pushed flat on you stomach it's not a classic cadillac...

5:04 PM

sealed with a kiss

a judas kiss

 

 

they are never wrong. i just wish i knew what they mean

3:39 PM -

listen for the bell rhian...

it tolls for thee

3:13 PM -

.

people do what's important to them.

 

i guess i know where that leaves me.
but then again, i shouldnt be surprised.  i'm not first in anyone elses life. 

2:42 PM -

nightmares suck

 I was five years old and lived with my mother, sister and a baby half brother (3 months old). My mother was screaming and the baby was crying, but nobody would do anything! My sister sat there in a dazed-like state and would not move. Suddenly, I saw blood splashed around the room and the screaming and crying starts getting louder and louder. The room begins spinning around and around and blood is strewn all over the living room along with many shards of broken glass. My sister still sits there in the chair - emotionless and stupefied. The baby won't stop crying and my mother is now screaming in indescribable agony! The room finally stops spinning and all appears to be quiet. As I find myself on the floor sweating and breathing quite heavily, I hear foot steps just entering the living room. It's him - my stepfather! He hurt my mother and now he's coming for me and my sister! He looks at my sister and slowly moves toward her. But my sister can't move! She just sits there, dazed, oblivious to the approaching peril! I go to shake her but she falls on the floor while carrying a blank, death-like stare on her face. I scream and scream! ...I then awake in a cold sweat with my grandmother holding me, trying to calm me. After a while I calm down and realize it was all a horrible dream. My sister and brother have been with me at my grandmother's house since the night before, while mom and stepdad stepped out. Just then a firm knock is heard on the front door and my grandmother answers it. It's the police! They tell my grandmother something that makes her cry. As I look out the door, I see my stepfather in a police car. He's glaring at me with these evil eyes. He's all scratched up and covered with some dried, brownish, oh my God - BLOOD! I scream uncontrollably! I now know that your worst nightmare can come true! My stepfather beat my mother to death and would have killed her children too had she not put us with our grandmother overnight.

1:43 PM -

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Got Jake?

Seattle does.

 

Kudos to the FSU boys Boulware and Warrick....big Peter won a National Championship and now he's gonna go to the big dance.  And Jake threw a PERFECT pass to Boulware....too bad Boulware plays for the Seahawks.

With all the FSU players doing so well in this game, you'd think Coach Fox would see that Jake is on the Seahawks payroll and put Weinke in. 

9:10 PM -

small minds

so i went to sunday school and while i was there, about halfway through, the girl LeAnn (who sat next to me) shows me her arm (she must've scratched her arm with a pen or something and it left a mark on the inside of her wrist) and goes "oh no, i tried to committ suicide".  maybe i'm jsut in a mood (ya think??) but i found it very condesending and so i simply pulled laid out my arm in front of her and pulled up my sleeve on my left arm and showed her my scars and said "that's what it REALLY looks like when u try to committ suicide...not a little scratch".  of course her eyes bugged out of her head and her jaw droppped on the floor. 

sometimes it's not worth chewing your way out of the leather straps in the morning

11:25 AM

Saturday, January 21, 2006

.

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
My love
let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile across your face

Oh God if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the one I love is leaving
won't you take her when she comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell



I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

5:29 PM

fantasies

when i was younger, i used to have death fantasies all the time.  usually it was a fantasy about how i would kill myself.  it wasn't until a few years ago that i realized that those fantasies are what kept me alive.  how? well...if you set a death date....the day that you want to do yourself in...and you spend ur free time planning for it, making sure that everything is ready for that time, that moment...and you put all of your focus and concentration into it....and then that day comes and something goes against the plan.....ALL that planning and preperation kept you alive to that date.  Granted, something went wrong and the plan had to be scrapped, but that's ok....you just make another date...make sure the numberology adds up to a number that's ok....make sure that everything feels right about that date and then do it.  and then you can start making sure that the preperations are right for that date too.  make sure you have what you need, that there's no chance that you'll be found, that it's everything you had fantasizied it would be.

it's actually all that perperation to kill yourself that keeps you alive.  it keeps you grounded. it keeps you focused. it gives you something to look forward to. but as usually happens....life gets in the way and fucks everything up somehow and it blows your whole fantasy of how it's going to be when you finally reach that day.

for me, it was usually the weather.  i always had to have it COLD.  It had to be snowy and cold or rainy and cold.  becuase part of my fantasy was to open every single window in the house so that i'd freeze to death if the pills didnt work and i didnt bleed to death.  why? well...it's simple...becuase even if i lost alot of blood but not enough to die...the lower temperature PLUS the blood loss wouuld cause my body temperature to drop further and it was a back up plan.

it used to be go to Atlantic City and just die in a suite @ Bally's.  I was literally going through with that one when Ann got involved and my whole thing was foiled...she literally saved my life and didnt know it at the time. Funnny how life works like that, huh?

then after that i used to fantasize about opening every single window in the house on a snowing/raining COLD night and swallowing 100 Vicodin with Bicardi and then taking 90 Ativan and 60 Restoril and slitting my wrists and ankles (if you dont slit ur ankles, I question how much you REALLY want to die u pussies!!) and then laying there in the open windowsil with all the cold rushing over me where i fall asleep and never wake up again. 

 Of course I'd have to make a CD with the last songs I'd want to hear.  And since I wouldnt be sure when i would fall unconscious, each song would have to be especially picked out.  Songs for me to prepare everything, take the pills, cut myself and then lay down to fall asleep).

So, I'd start the CD and then  I'd take about 10 vicodin and a shot of stadol (just in case i can't dissociate enough not to feel it when i slice the veins in my wrists and ankles). After that, it's time to call the people that I love one last time. Hopefully I get their voicemail and can leave them a message telling them that I lvoe them.  And if I DO get them and talk to them, then it's important to have a normal conversation not giving anything away.  And then after talking to them, it would take two or three songs for me to swallow all those pills (we're talking 250 pills so...it'll take a while to swallow them....and the sleepingpills and ativan have to be last since they will put me under).  Then after I swallowed them all, make a test cut to see: a) if i'm dissociated enough that i can't feel physical pain or b) to see if the stadol/vicodin i took has set it and doesnt let me feel it).  then, after i can't feel it...it's time to wait until I get to the song that I slice myself to *usually "Precious Things" by Tori Amos or "My Immortal" by Amyessence*.  So Ii go next to the open window and then have at it.  slice my ankles first, then my right wrist and finally my left one.  Then it's time to lay back...look out the window at the rain or snow and hope that the next time my eyes are open that I'm staring at Jesus and my sister and that all my struggles are over.

some people would say that it's weak for me to do such a thing, and that i'd be a coward for doing it.  yet these are the same people that say that I'm the strongest person they've ever met.  they can't have it both ways. and since i dont believe them when they say i'm strong, i'm not going to beleive them when they say i'm weak.  and if they say it's a cowards way out, i dare them to live MY life....if you try walking in my shoes you'd stumble in my footsteps. 

maybe i should move to oregon instead of alaska.  after all, there Dr. assisted suicide is legal.  i am terminal.  there is no hope of me getting better. so there is logic in it.

nah.  i dont wanna go there. i wanna go to deep creek to do it.  it's where my heart is anyway. i could just stay at one of the hotels and do it since i wouldnt want to do it my family's house.  or maybe ashville, NC.  i think it's beautiful out there.  or even myrtle beach...that way i could see ashlee one last time too.  out in asheville would be beautiful....at a hotel overlooking the mountains on a snowy night.  or at myrtle beach in an ocean front room...i could do it out on the balcony so i wouldnt ruin the furniture.

of course if i did that i'm not stupid enough to use my check card or a credit card.  i'd have to pay cash.  that way no one could trace where i would be.

i need to take a shower now

 

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me
Me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king
Neil says hi
By the way I don't believe you're leaving
Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And the tear in your hand
All the world is dangin'...
Dangling'...danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybe smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up every time I touch you
Maybe....maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now....


Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of why it could've never been (so you say)
and i say "you know you're full of wish" and your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And the tear in your hand
All the world is dangin'...
Dangling'...Danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
With that tear in you hand

 

 

4:17 PM

i've figured it out...

i figured out how to tell when ur life is worth something or not...and it's very very simple.  your life is worth something when someone else puts you first in their life.

let's look around, shall we? if you're a parent, chances are that your child/children will put you first.  if you're married, your spouse will put you first.  if you're a child, your parents will put you before themselves.  apply that to your life and you have a reason to live in this world...you have meaning to someone. 

me?  HHAHAHAHAHA.  NO ONE puts me first in their life.  EVER.  and i never have been.  WHO has EVER put me first in their life? my mom?  yeah... right.  the daughters of the american revolution come before i do in her life.  my dad?  yeah...he was too interested in fucking other women then to even pick me up for visitation.  do i have a friend that puts me first in their life? nope.  why? becuase they either have a husband/wife/kid/parent/brother/sister/friend that come before me.

tell me one person that puts me first in their life? see....you can't.  becuase no one does.  someone always comes first in someone else's life, but i never come first in anyones life.

i guess that's what i've always been searching for.....for someone to care about me more than they care about anyone else......to come first for a change.  that's why it wont matter if i move to alaska....while people might miss me....they wont miss me enough to ask me to stay becuase they know i dont come first in their life so they dont care enough to ask me to stay.

1:53 PM -

♥ me to death

[19 Jan 2006|08:50am]
You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!
4 fresh scars| ♥ me to death

[17 Jan 2006|12:03am]
I"M GOING TO GO OFF!!!!

So, i've been typing a blog ALL night long.....and when i go to post it...IT FUCKING DUMPS IT!!!!

WHY? Becuase BLOGS ARE DISABLEd!!!!


Fuck that. fuck that fuck that fuck that.
i swear to god that's the way my life is, was and seems like it everwillbe.


i'm not allowed to cut myself or put that needle in me, right? well...the great news is that i dont have to...i'm scheduled to give blood at 10:15 on Saturday so when they put the needle in me to draw blood, the wound will still be fresh when i get home five minutes later. i wont need to stab myself or anything cos it'll already be there. no one said i couldnt stretch it. heh. and after losing 2 pints, i'll be low so if i can get it good, i can bleed a TON when i get home and it'll all look like it's just stuff leftover from the red cross. perfect! HAHAHA
1 fresh scar| ♥ me to death

[16 Jan 2006|10:27pm]
the funny thing about being stabbed that most people never think of, is the sound.  everybody thinks it would sound like the sound of chopping a potato but i can assure u that it doesnt....the thing you DONT think youd hear is wat seems loudest...the clothes.  especially if they cut while they stab.  bones kinda sound like the sound of when u cut snap a glow stick when u cut through them.

dont ask me how i know
♥ me to death

[16 Jan 2006|10:14pm]
i still dont get my own journal, huh? i seee....
saturday will be busy. there's a blood drive at my church. i signed up for it at 10:15am. what does that mean? it means that i get to bleed.
i'm not allowed to cut myself or put that needle in me, right? well...the great news is that i dont have to...when they put the needle in me to draw blood, the wound will still be fresh when i get home five minutes later. i wont need to stab myself or anything cos it'll already be there. no one said i couldnt stretch it. heh. and after losing 2 pints, i'll be low so if i can get it good, i can bleed a TON when i get home and it'll all look like it's just stuff leftover from the red cross. perfect!
♥ me to death

[15 Jan 2006|11:11pm]
I AM GOING TO FUCKING RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God help me...

"cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind..."
1 fresh scar| ♥ me to death

[15 Jan 2006|01:55pm]
no, this is not a forward. It's just something that's on my heart right now. We
all pass around fun little things and message each other about them when in the
grand scheme of the weight of the world...they mean jack shit, right?

i  dont know where you are, i dont know if you believe in God or not, and honestly,
i'm not here to thump a bible at you....

but what i want to know, if
you're willing to share it with me in confidence is...... how can i pray for you
today?

I know that alot of people dont really listen to God or maybe
some people only pray when they NEED something or WANT something...but I am not
ashamed to say that I pray ALL THE TIME. Mostly when I'm driving by myself. And
then I also pray every night before i go to sleep and say a prayer in the
morning. (after all, i was blessed enough to live to be able to see it, right?).



I dont know where you are with your spirituality, and honestly,
that's not what i'm asking....I'm simply asking...how can i pray for you today?
It doesnt matter if it's something that you've prayed about for years or a day
or maybe you've never prayed about it cos you dont know how or have just never
taken that leap to do it.....i dont care. If there is anything that I can pray
for YOU ...no matter HOW BIG OR SMALL you may think it is.....let me know and it
will be done today.

This is going to sound crazy (that should be normal
if ya'll know me haha) but that's ok. Again, there is nothing too big and
nothing too menial....just let me know. And i assure u that it will be IN
CONFIDENCE.

Take care ya'll! Go PANTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
♥ me to death

ok...I NEED this pill NOW!!!!!! [14 Jan 2006|11:05pm]

(Jan. 14) - Suppose you could erase bad memories from your mind. Suppose, as in a recent movie, your brain could be wiped clean of sad and traumatic thoughts.

That is science fiction. But real-world scientists are working on the next best thing. They have been testing a pill that, when given after a traumatic event like rape, may make the resulting memories less painful and intense.

Will it work? It is too soon to say. Still, it is not far-fetched to think that this drug someday might be passed out along with blankets and food at emergency shelters after disasters like the tsunami or Hurricane Katrina.

Psychiatrist Hilary Klein could have offered it to the man she treated at a St. Louis shelter over the Labor Day weekend. He had fled New Orleans and was so distraught over not knowing where his sisters were that others had to tell Klein his story.

"This man could not even give his name, he was in such distress. All he could do was cry," she said.

Such people often develop post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, a problem first recognized in Vietnam War veterans. Only 14 percent to 24 percent of trauma victims experience long-term PTSD, but sufferers have flashbacks and physical symptoms that make them feel as if they are reliving the trauma years after it occurred.

Scientists think it happens because the brain goes haywire during and right after a strongly emotional event, pouring out stress hormones that help store these memories in a different way than normal ones are preserved.

Taking a drug to tamp down these chemicals might blunt memory formation and prevent PTSD, they theorize.

Some doctors have an even more ambitious goal: trying to cure PTSD. They are deliberately triggering very old bad memories and then giving the pill to deep-six them.

The first study to test this approach on 19 longtime PTSD sufferers has provided early encouraging results, Canadian and Harvard University researchers report.

"We figure we need to test about 10 more people until we've got solid evidence." said Alain Brunet, a psychologist at McGill University in Montreal who is leading the study.

It can't come too soon.

The need for better treatment grows daily as American troops return from Iraq and Afghanistan with wounded minds as well as bodies. One government survey found almost 1 in 6 showing symptoms of mental stress, including many with post-traumatic stress disorder. Disability payments related to the illness cost the government more than $4 billion a year.

The need is even greater in countries ravaged by many years of violence.

"I don't think there's yet in our country a sense of urgency about post-traumatic stress disorder" but there should be, said James McGaugh, director of the Center for the Neurobiology of Learning and Memory at the University of California at Irvine.

He and a colleague, Larry Cahill, did experiments that changed how scientists view memory formation and suggested new ways to modify it.

Memories, painful or sweet, don't form instantly after an event but congeal over time. Like slowly hardening cement, there is a window of opportunity when they are shapable.

During stress, the body pours out adrenaline and other "fight or flight" hormones that help write memories into the "hard drive" of the brain, McGaugh and Cahill showed.

Propranolol can blunt this. It is in a class of drugs called beta blockers and is the one most able to cross the blood-brain barrier and get to where stress hormones are wreaking havoc. It already is widely used to treat high blood pressure and is being tested for stage fright.

Dr. Roger Pitman, a Harvard University psychiatrist, did a pilot study to see whether it could prevent symptoms of PTSD. He gave 10 days of either the drug or dummy pills to accident and rape victims who came to the Massachusetts General Hospital emergency room.

In follow-up visits three months later, the patients listened to tapes describing their traumatic events as researchers measured their heart rates, palm sweating and forehead muscle tension.

The eight who had taken propranolol had fewer stress symptoms than the 14 who received dummy pills, but the differences in the frequency of symptoms were so small they might have occurred by chance - a problem with such tiny experiments.

Still, "this was the first study to show that PTSD could be prevented," McGaugh said, and enough to convince the federal government to fund a larger one that Pitman is doing now.

Meanwhile, another study on assault and accident victims in France confirmed that propranolol might prevent PTSD symptoms.

One of those researchers, Brunet, now has teamed with Pitman on the boldest experiment yet - trying to cure longtime PTSD sufferers.

"We are trying to reopen the window of opportunity to modulate the traumatic memory," Pitman said.

The experiments are being done in Montreal and involve people traumatized as long as 20 or 30 years ago by child abuse, sexual assault or a serious accident.

"It's amazing how a traumatic memory can remain very much alive. It doesn't behave like a regular memory. The memory doesn't decay," Brunet said.

To try to make it decay, researchers ask people to describe the trauma as vividly as they can, bringing on physical symptoms like racing hearts, then give them propranolol to blunt "restorage" of the memory. As much as three months later, the single dose appears to be preventing PTSD symptoms, Brunet said.

Joseph LeDoux, a neuroscience professor at New York University, is enrolling 20 to 30 people in a similar experiment and believes in the approach.

"Each time you retrieve a memory it must be restored," he said. "When you activate a memory in the presence of a drug that prevents the restorage of the memory, the next day the memory is not as accessible."

Not all share his enthusiasm, as McGaugh found when he was asked to brief the President's Council on Bioethics a few years ago.

"They didn't say anything at the time but later they went ballistic on it," he said.

Chairman Leon Kass contended that painful memories serve a purpose and are part of the human experience.

McGaugh says that's preposterous when it comes to trauma like war. If a soldier is physically injured, "you do everything you can to make him whole," but if he says he is upset "they say, 'suck it up - that's the normal thing,"' he complained.

Propranolol couldn't be given to soldiers in battle because it would curb survival instincts.

"They need to be able to run and to fight," Pitman said. "But if you could take them behind the lines for a couple of days, then you could give it to them after a traumatic event," or before they're sent home, he said.

Some critics suggest that rape victims would be less able to testify against attackers if their memories were blunted, or at least that defense attorneys would argue that.

"Medical concerns trump legal concerns. I wouldn't withhold an effective treatment from somebody because of the possibility they may have to go to court a year later and their testimony be challenged. We wouldn't do that in any other area of medicine," Pitman said. "The important thing to know about this drug is it doesn't put a hole in their memory. It doesn't create amnesia."

Practical matters may limit propranolol's usefulness. It must be given within a day or two of trauma to prevent PTSD.

How long any benefits from the drug will last is another issue. McGaugh said some animal research suggests that memory eventually recovers after being squelched for a while by the drug.

Overtreatment also is a concern. Because more than three-quarters of trauma victims don't have long-term problems, most don't need medication.

But LeDoux sees little risk in propranolol.

"It's a pretty harmless drug," he said. "If you could give them one or two pills that could prevent PTSD, that would be a pretty good thing."

Klein, the Saint Louis University psychiatrist, said it would be great to have something besides sleep aids, antidepressants and counseling to offer traumatized people, but she remains skeptical about how much long-term good propranolol can do.

"If there were a pill to reduce the intensity of symptoms, that would be a relief," she said. "But that's a far step from being able to prevent the development of PTSD."

Only more study will tell whether that is truly possible.

01/14/06 13:03 EST

♥ me to death

[14 Jan 2006|08:12pm]
SECTION 1 : In 2005 have
you

1. Cheated on someone?: never

2. Fallen off the bed?: no

3. Broken someone's heart?: yes, but not in a romantic way

4. Had your heart broken?: fuckoff

5. Had a dream come true?: yes

6. Done something you regret?: the night of March 3rd, 2005

SECTION 2 : CURRENTLY

1. Wearing? warm up pants and a white FSU jersey

2. Like anyone?: hmm...what kind of like?  

3. Taken?: no

4. Have any piercings?:  earns, nose, belly, tongue (doubled)

5. Drive?: duh

6. Ever Smoke? nope. nothing. ever!!!  that's gross.

7. Tattoos?: 4

SECTION 3 : LAST PERSON
YOU..

1. Hugged?: Tammy

2. Kissed?: Tammy

3.imed? HAHA  Tammy when she told me she got home ok from driving home from my house

4. Talked on the phone to?: good lord!! Tammy when she said she was on the way here

5. Yelled at?: hmmm.....what kind of yell?  I yelled today at the basketball game. haha

SECTION 4 : PERSONAL

1. What do you want to be when you finish school?: i'm finished school

2. What has been the worst day of your life?: honest to God, you couldnt handle it if i told you

3. What comes first in your life?: God

4. What are you most scared of?: being taken hostage and/or my friends being taken hostage and tortured while i'm forced to watch and can't help them

5. What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: i say my prayers and then i think about my two best friends and my sister

6. Did you lose someone you really loved?: FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Love your family? my friends are my family and i love them with all my heart

SECTION 5 : FAVORITE
1. Movie: Poetic Justice
2. Ice Cream Flavor: Peanut Butter chocolate from Baskin-Robbins
3. Fruit: red seedless grapes
4. Candy: whatchamacallit
5. Day of the Week: Sunday
6. Color: well...seeing how black isn't a color (it's a shade) i def have to say purple

SECTION 6 : DO YOU
1. Like to give hugs?: ONLY if it's to someone i care about...otherwise, I PROMISE YOU that any part of you that touches me you are not getting back

2. Like to walk in the rain?: Yes
3. Prefer black or blue? black
4. Like to travel: YES
5. Sleep on your side? Yes
6. Have a goldfish?: only the crackers haha
7. Ever have the falling dream?: ....more like nightmare, i have it but i'm usually gutted like a fish and impaled and been thrown off a mountain or cliff by my 1st stepfather so that the animals eat my body and there's no evidence left
8. Have stuffed animals?: THANK GOD yes i do!

SECTION 7 : THIS OR THAT
1. Pierced nose or tongue?: had both...and DEF the tongue!!! 
2. MTV or BET?: NEITHER...CMT please = )
3. 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek:....HAHAHA as if there's a doubt??  DAWSON's CREEK!!!
4. Sugar or salt? sugar
5. Silver or gold?: hmm...depends
6. Chocolate or flowers?: flowers
7. Color or Black-and-white photos?: color
8. m&ms or skittles?: m&ms
9. Stay up late or sleep in?:....that would be assuming that i sleep. 
10. Hot or cold?: weather and room = cold, dinner = hot HAHA
11. Ketchup or mustard? ketchup
12. Spring or Fall?:fall
14. Wonder or amazement?: wonder
15 mexican or italian food?:itailian
16. O.C. or Laguna Beach?: Laguna Beach (i've only seen a half hour of the O.C. when they had taht hot lesbian chick on there!! haha)
♥ me to death

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