happy one year anniversary of our friendship.....

so, it seems to be ok for me to write about Tammy in my LJ becuase no one that knows her in real life reads my LJ. but they do read my blog on myspace and she doesnt want the whole world knowing what happens between she and I. to be put it more accuratly, she doesnt want this guy to know what's happening between me and her. why? becuase she probably wants to keep the peace.

my best friend is breaking up with me. there's a new guy in her life and so she needs time to be with him. what's that mean? rhian gets the skids. Her quote, "I'm not saying that you wont spend any less time with me....we just wont spend more time together than we spend now". Well, I've seen her......four times since October 1st. Good to know we wont be spending LESS time with each other.

I hate myself. I hate myself for believeing that people gave two shits about me. Ann betrayed me yesterday and now today, i'm not worthy enough to spend time with someone who i thought was my best friend. she said, "i dont even see MY best friends all the time". The way she said it was easy to see that i'm not included in that. of course, i never get invited to anything that she does with her other friends and i never get invited to anything...and the one thing i DO get invited to, I pretty much got de-invited to tonight.

of course it all makes sense....it's because she wants to spend time with this guy and see where things go. but it's like i've said...i was here before any guy she dates and i'll be here after any guy she dates....that's what friends do. I guess what they DONT do is make time while you are with that person.

people do what's important to them. i guess that shows how i'm important I am when i dont get to see her more than once a month. she all but said she didnt feel like driving down to see one of my games becuase of the drive and being after work and all that. but it's no big deal to stay out til 3am after u work a full day, huh? like i said...people do what's important to them. if it was important enough for her to come down and see me coach one of my games and to share it with me...she would. if it's not....she wont. if u dont have time for the things that are important to you, you make time. i guess if i was important enough, time would be made to see a game. do u think i'd be there if she coached? hell yeah. every single game without question. thats what you do. maybe most people wouldnt go to EVERY game, but i would. but then again...what the fuck do i know. i'm just a psycho basketcase

i asked the question last night....the one question ur never supposed to ask...."what next". I guess i found out. Now finding that ann betrayed me, my best friend wants to break up with me and not spend as much time with me (which isn't very much....4 days since october).

my vibes TOLD ME that i wouldnt be going to that thing this saturday. i dunno why, but i knew that i'd never see it and never be there. look how i right i was. i'll bet u it's becuase she doesnt want anyone going with her to make her new beau jealous or something or think that there's something going on or something. that's why i'm not supposed to write about this stuff in my MySpace...it's becuase he sent me a friends request to be my friend there last week and i approved it. he's commented on a blog or two so i know he reads them. and I'll bet you the only reason she asked me to write in here instead of in my myspace is becuase she doenst want HIM to find out about it. It's not that she cares if "people" know what happens between she and I...becuase i write what we do and what we talk about all the time in my LJ and in my blog on myspace....it's that she doesnt want him knowing that all this stuff is happening.

as much as i'm ding donging and switching, ill respect that. do i feel like I have to? fuck no. she's the one that always told me not to censor what I write or hide it from the world. now she's telling me to do exactly that....pretty convenient.

she keeps telling me that she doesnt have to do things "like that" with her other best friends and she doesnt talk to them everyday on the phone. well....never once have i ever compared myself to them. i'm not like them. i'm not normal. she knows how i am and she knows what being friends with me is all about. she was even honest and said that at times she felt like she did things for me more out of "duty" in keeping a promise she made to me more than for the fact that she wanted to do them becuase she was my friend. those "other" best friends she mentions....she now has dinner with them at least once a month on a schedule so that she knows what day it's going to be every month for the rest of the year. did she do that with me? no......becuase her schedule is so crazy and/or she never plans out that far. sounds to me like she's planned things out for a year with her other friends.....and i got nothing on the calander. actions, right? so how is it that she can plan things with some people, but not with me? where is our hang out day every month? The third saturday or every month or whatever or something......
and these friends that she says she dosnt talk to everyday like we do.....she sees them alot more often. the past two sundays as a matter of fact for football parties that i wasnt invited to.

and yet i'm not a frankenstein monster?


she forgot all about wwe tickets for me until i asked her about it yesterday. she knows how happy watching shawn michaels makes me.

i guess i dunno. she knows how i am. she knows how i am with change. and this is how our friendship is. and now she wants to pull the rug out and redecorate and actually said that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. maybe to her......but when it comes to her or rainy, nothing is menail. she said this was the thing that sadina couldnt handle in september. maybe its that part of me that can't handle this now.

it's pretty normal though so you think i'd be used to it. my dad wanted me around as long as there wasn't some girl he'd rather be fucking. my mom wanted me around...until she had something better to do or more important to do....like work, or take night classes or move to Arizona to Camelot with yet another husband. my ex wanted me around...until she decided to cheat with someone that was a good friend and steal all of my money. people always want you around until the find something better to do. again...it all goes back to the rule...people do what's important to them.

she said she feels guilty being out til 3am and having five messages from me. granted, that night, if felt like bleeding and called her and my keys were hidden. so...u know..psychotic girl has a meltdown and calls for an explaination. she got angry. if that happened to me...i'd be worried shitless and down there in an instant to find out if she was ok.

i've lost literally....almost everything in the past 11 months. Know the fucked up thing.....today is the anniversary date of the first day that tammy and i ever talked. fitting that it's the day she decideds to break up with her best friend.

i knew it. as soon as she told me she was at his house til 3am.... i knew it. that was when she said that she wouldnt be calling me on the way home from work anymore becuase she needs to watch her phone bill. umm......somehow i'll BET that she's talking to him though on the way home! or i'll bet u that she's talking to him more and so that means less minutes to use and rhian is expendable so we'll stop talking to her as much.

i swear to god my head is sppinning soooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking hard right now that it's going to force my body into sleep.
first ann yesterday, and now this today.

she told me that she nderstood what i meant when i told her that i cant live my life fo rme.....that i have to live it for other people. i guess she understands but she doesnt want to be a part of that. so not only do i have to deal with this....but i can't deal with it with ann becuase of how she betrayed me yesterday.

she'll say that she's not going anywhere and if that were true, then wouldnt things stay the same? yes. but the truth is...she is going somewhere...with him...not with me. she's doesnt have time for me now anyway but with the season over, she said back in november that she'd have more time. and now i guess that's all out the window. any time she has now will be with this guy...not me. just like my mom. just like my dad. just like tera. just like my ex. just like amanda. just like alison. just like my whole fucking life.

so it all comes back on me. i'm the psycho. she's the normal one and i'm the psycho that has no grasp of reality....only right and wrong and the way that things should be. just becuase we dont live in a perfect world doesnt mean that we shouldnt try. unconditional friendship doesnt have boundries.

and the bottom line? it doesnt matter what i say or how i feel becuase she's going to live her life the way she wants to. so it dosnt matter how upset or how unfair or how much of a double standard or how hurtful or whatever it is....it doesnt. fucking. matter. why? becuase there's another person in front of me.

if i'm wrong as you say i am....show me and prove to me that i'm wrong. show me that you're not going anywhere. if ur not goign anywhere then things aren't changing.

i guess i'm just helpless. no more. i trusted u. u knew full well what u were getting into last june. i asked and checked and double check and triple checked.

maybe the rest the rest of the world can see this is as no big deal....can see it as me making a mountain out of a molehill....but when the molehill is all that you have left....it's a pretty big deal.

i wonder now if she's even done. is this going in stages? this is the first stage and there will be more to come as i get assimilated to them? and the only reason she doesnt tell me right upfront is a fear of me going and bleeding to death tonight or tomorrow or whenever?
she's said many times that i scare her. well....when ur whole world is turned upside down more times than in a load of laundry.....maybe then someone can understand.

u told me that u think everything happens for a reason. so tell me....why is my heart shattering right now? am i the sacraficial lamb that was a stepping stone to get you on MySpace and have you talk more with him so that you could end up going out with him? Of course you talk to him on on ur secret AOL account that you talk on when you dont wanna deal with me.....and u talk to him when u do talk to me.....but it's been much more since u found out that u both had a myspace. i guess i played a roll in that. so i did it to myself.

and whatever you do, don't slam these words back in my face. you asked me to journal about this. i doubt i'm anywhere near done.....but i can't think. i cant feel anything either. i'm numb. 100% numb execept for disbelief. and that whole sentence that keeps crawling through my head..."my world is over", "my world is over", "my world is over".

i guess i really did do it to myself. after all, i did ask "what next" last night. i thought that i was too numb to let anything else hurt me....but i was way wrong. but then again, i never imagined that u'd not want me to be ur best friend and a part of your life. awhile u said "i just want my sister back". I'm right here. And ur the one that's walking away leaving me alone while give ur time to someone more important than me.

i dont know how to not be me. i dont know how to not care with all of my heart and soul. and that's what you're asking me to do.

is it so bad to want to share you life with ur best friends?

am i dependant on u? yes. but u knew that from the contract. no wonder u want to change it now.

i remeber that night back in june when u asked me to please stop bleeding. i said yes. i did that for u. i didnt do it for me...i did it for u beucase i didnt want u to have to go through that. i finally felt like God didnt spit on me. I finally felt like there was someone there that was going to be there for me no matter what. "whatever it takes"....those were your words. "whatever it takes". I remember that becuase it' smy favorite belinda carlisle ever written. Whatever it takes.....
i cried on ur shoulder for a half hour it was getting late and you had to go home (but it wasnt 3am...only 11pm). u told me that u'd come down the next weekend and i could do it more. i never got to do it more....... and i probably never will again.

dont be sad that it's over, right? just be happy that it happened?


and with all the hurt i feel right now (though i'm it sounds like anger....i promise u it's not....it's all hurt and pain) eden tells me other things. obvously u've made time for me and make time for me and all that. but the ones we love the most are the ones that hurt us the most.
it all just seems like a lie for some reason. and understand that i'm not even TRYING to make logical sense out of what 'm saying right now. i dont even know if i'm aware of what i'm saying. i'm not thinking...i'm just feeling. and so right or wrong, rational or irrational, this is how i'm feeing right now. hopefully i'll sleep and the 'feelings' will be gone and the "thinking" will kick in tomorrow. well...i lied....hopefully i'll wake up and the past two days will be a dream. i can't feel anything from the shock and the numb anymore. so understand that all of this is exactly waht u asked me to write...just that rage and that...i forgot the word u used. i'm not thinking. i'm was just feeling. but i can't feel anything anymore. my brain turned it off. i just feel loss. and i feel like something died. and that's litearlly all i feel righ tnow. i miss u before you're gone. maybe tomorrow when i wake up i can think and perhaps i'll read this and say "where the fuck did that come from" and "how foolish and stupid are you Rhian Alexa?" but i can't think beyond what i felt tonight. and last night.

i feel like i'm losing my best friend. i fee like she doesnt want to be a part of my life anymore. i feel like she's found something more important to her than a best friend who will always love her and be there for her. i feel like someone is taking her away from me....and no one can say i'm wrong becuase facts are facts.

everyone leaves. people...always...leave.



i made this today as my new background for my myspace account:




why?  becuase i'll never forget thinking of my best friend when i saw that episode.  of being brooke and her being payton...it was TOTALLY that night back in June.....and so i made it today to say thank u for always being there and being my best friend and being the one to take my hand when i'm stuck and let me cry on you.  do u know why moments like that are so special to me?  becuase i never have them.  and becuase i did have one.  and do u know why i hold on to it?  becuase it'll never happen again...and thats not my choice.

i guess u only have two hands...and three's a crowd.  ill see my way out. 

i can't think anymore. and i'm beyond feeling. i dont even know what i'm aying.  stop the clocks from chiming. paint the sky a deeper shade of blue.

you are my best friend and i love u with every thing inside of me.  i'm sorry it's not good enough

i guess i'll go back to what i'm used to and where i'vealways been....alone.  alone on the basement floor with dried blood all over me.  alone in 7th grade in my house while my mom has left for a week.  alone in high school.  alone crying on the basement floor in college. alone crying in the corner of my room in the hospital.  alone here in my room.  i wouldnt be alone if u were here.  now i'll see u once a month and then soon i'm sure it'll be once every other month or maybe whenever you get around to it.  but you're not going anywhere. 

i thought you'd always be by my side.  You promised me that you would be.  You promised that you'd always be here for me and that you'd always be right by my side whenever i needed you.    Dont tell me that you're going to break a promise too. 

i can't keep my eyes open. my body is literally shutting down now from the shock and dissociation i guess. 

i love you.  i hope this is a ll a dream when i wake up.  or  hope that i got a horse.  they say that your demons can't go there. so i'll get me a horse to ride on.

i can't move now so i'm gonna go before i go into a coma or something. this is knockoing me out. jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjadaaaaaaaaaasdf